....i have been silent for the past weeks, losing a lot of my libera friends i met along the way - just how fast i came to know them, they quickly slid away, one by one...maybe i talk too much, maybe i "knew" too much, maybe i gave my opinions at the wrong time, maybe i've been too outspoken, maybe i gave out my views "violently", maybe i was too friendly and trustworthy or maybe i was just plain stupid.
....i have so many regrets. i never have should been too friendly. i never should have been too excited to accept friend requests left & right, i should have just kept my admiration to myself - that way, i never should have been bothered nor been a bother to other people. i thought i could "ride" alongside those teenagers' admiration for libera but when i started to notice something different, it costed a lot - trust, friendships, and then there was nothing left. i had my doubts and i will stick to it. even if it had cost me everything, my opinions and my observations stay. i know i may be wrong at some point now but time will eventually set out the truth. i have been called names - a "bitch" at some point. i have eaten "fuck yous" for a day - something which i never taught my daughter to speak. these words were never spoken in my household. i wonder how the word "bitch" could just come out from those kids' mouth! and i wonder how they would react if somebody called their mom a "bitch".
....i have been accused of being a "stalker" (a tom cully stalker). they knew i've always admired tom from day 1 i bought my eternal CD. all informations about tom were just given to me - left and right. i never knew how to copy a link; copy/paste; search, etc. even my own daughter could not get me to learn those computer terms i need to learn. these were painstakingly taught by my own libera friends who were just as excited to have stumbled upon this and that boy's account! i gambled on my knowlege. i was blocked by cully on FB but that was no big deal. if at some point i got through, i would not dare stalk this boy. all i wanted to ask from him was when did he record "ave virgo"? and nothing more. at my age, i won't have any interest about him nor his personal life. and i don't have that much time to stalk, anyway.
....until a libera fan offered me to check on him at "yoodoomusic.com" (sometime march). there he was! i introduced myself to the person who created that site (alan totten) and briefly wrote tom & commented how good he was with libera. he wrote back with a very brief "thank you x". i made the mistake of flaunting it and i feel sorry that up to this night, while i'm writing this, i never could imagine some people to be so cruel to take this page away from me. i didn't save that. i thought it will always be kept among my bookmarks. i kept silent about this site because knowing those fans to discover where tom was would create trouble for him. they thought i was selfish not to have shared yoodoomusic and tom cully with them. at least i did my share in protecting him even for a short while.
....now it hurts me to the fullest when somebody told me to check on his myspace account and there they all are, listed among tom's friends. but that's okay. if my doubts are correct again, these fans who are mad at me could have cooked up a story so my yoodoomusic and tom's very short reply to me could be gone.
....i still have a few of my libera friends who are cheering me up everytime the tide is low. one even suggested to review carefully all those requests i'm getting. one stays up with me till early morning to check how i'm feeling. another writes me encouraging messages though they still bring tears to my eyes(something i always hide from my husband). my cebuana friends are still in my FB account. my friends list soared to over a hundred after april 14th and 16th. but i needed to delete quite a number who i felt were just interested in my infos and whatever i know about the boys.
....i have never been a selfish person. in fact, i want to share everything i know and what were given to me - infos, pictures etc. but i have my limitations. if i promised this person i will never give out this info to anyone, i won't. i have quite a few number of stalker friends. they were the one who provided me with everything but it ends with me... i have photos of this boy and that boy, i have i infos regarding this boy & that boy but i always tell everyone, these are "privileged information" and i can't let it out.
....i guess my days as a "fan" are over. i don't have any regrets about meeting all 23 boys of libera including the crews and staff. it was an opportunity of a lifetime. it was an honor to have communicated with AW. maybe my detractors will be using this again against me - my very short association with AW. don't worry kids, i just did what i had to do between 2 people who had a little misunderstanding. and i hope you all are happy everything ended well between the two.
....i'm a forgiving person but what was done & said to me left a very painful mark esp to that boy i had my doubts with. i will never take back any single word i said because i know in time the truth will come out and by so doing, you will be at peace with yourself. i regretted having met you, having communicated with you, having you in my facebook account, having you as a follower of my blog and having answered all your posts no matter how doubtful they were already. i hope that for every libera song that you listen to, you will always remember the hurt and damage you and your friends have done to me.
....i was lambasted in my formspring account so i hope each and everyone of you are happy already. alan totten has already banned me from yoodoomusic while no explanation was given to me. i didn't violate any rules nor tried anything sinister in any of libera's page. i have also deleted my account with libera360, never been to benjamin totten's formspring account and just made ONE comment on callum payne's formspring account (my identity was visible. by the way, i don't do anonymous comments...it has always been tlg76@yahoo.com and orangecat).
